A Curse on a Mongoloid

A Bangkok Gentlejerk Hideaway non-fiction-ish interlude (of great urgency) to the three-part saga, "Tales from the Banks of the Tonle Sap".

I'm in such hopeless despair.

The nameless restaurant on the 2nd floor of my apartment building, maker of the finest Tom Yum Goong in all of Thailand, savior of gallons of my own sweat for having delivered food directly to my room for 2 1/2 years, delighter of my taste buds and gastrointestinal system (the food was always clean), and primary contributor to the fatness of my wallet with their low prices, has closed. It's a goddamn shame, and I'm feeling somewhat inclined to find a new Bangkok Gentlejerk Hideaway. I will indeed take some action...

The fine folks who ran the restaurant are now in Si Saket province, probably lining up to pick rice for 4,000 Baht per month, turn tricks for twice that (the male chef, Anon, included), join a monestary (which wouldn't be all that bad of an idea), or off themselves.

I visited the local Ramkhamhaeng Soi 22 witchdoctor last night to effect a curse on this blood-sucking, decision-making mongoloid. He wasn't home, so I went to the Ramkhaeng Soi 20 witchdoctor and put the following appeal in place:

To: The cosmos
CC: The Ramkhamhaeng Soi 22 witchdoctor - where were you, dude?
From: Gentlejerk 1
Date: 10 February 2007
Subject: yo

Screw you, SWD Court owner! Asshole! Scum! Menace! May Satan strike you down in the form of a bloody car accident that lands you in the bottom of the most polluted khlong in all of Bangkok! And then, may you live through the accident, only after having ingested enough khlong water to make your brain about as functional as a turnip for the rest of your miserable life!

The witchdoctor said that this already really happened, tragically, to a boy named "Big", member of a Thai boy band named "D2B." That's sad. I thought that was a pretty good curse. It's also sad what happened to the vocalist. At any rate, the witchdoctor declined the proposed curse out of fear that the cosmos would strike back for having added insult to Big's injury.

Okay, how about this one...

To: The cosmos
CC: The Ramkhamhaeng Soi 22 witchdoctor - where were you, dude? Beers later?
From: Gentlejerk 1
Date: 10 February 2007
Subject: whuddup

Venomous proprietor of SWD Court! May the dirtiest transsexual Cambodian prostitute in all of SE Asia give you the most aggressive, acute, mutated strain of venereal disease known to man! May it rot your phallus from the inside out! May you lop your dilly-wang off to seek refuge from the pain and may a soi dog gobble the putrid cocktail wiener down and wash it back with sewage!

The witchdoctor said, "Cool," but then tried to charge me 10,000 Baht for the service because of the severity of the curse. My patience was evaporating like so many droplets of steam from "nameless restaurant's" piping hot bowls of Tom Yum Goong that my tongue will never again fondle. One more try, then I'm going to Soi 18 for some bami noodles and then to Soi 16 to use that witchdoctor, regardless of the price (Soi 18's bami is good, but the witchdoctor there is a degenerate).

To: The cosmos
CC: The Ramkhamhaeng Soi 22 witchdoctor - your girlfriend is a mega-slut
From: Gentlejerk 1
Date: 10 February 2007
Subject: hubba hubba

Harlot! Baht worshiping prick! May you someday find yourself possessed and in zero control of your bodily functions while standing next to a giant vat of boiling vegetable oil that is intended for frying chicken! May you then find yourself testing the temperature of the oil with your toe! May you even then find yourself slowly lowering yourself into the vat of boiling vegetable oil, so slow that by the time your agony-shocked, wide open eyeballs touch the oil, your feet have already cooked through to the bone! You suck!

"Okay," said the witchdoctor. "200 Baht please krapom."

I await the day that this man finds himself next to a giant vat of boiling oil.

(Picture of this elusive monitor lizard pending)