To execute this fantastic feat, you will need to collect a few materials:
1. A nuclear warhead (real)
2. 2 meters of string that you will tie to the manual trigger of the warhead.
3. A hot air balloon, fully fueled.
4. A wet suit and flippers
5. Neosporin
Bring all of your materials to the banks of a body of water in a sparsely populated area of a communist Asian country with cold weather. I like China.
Coat the entire back of your body (head, back, legs, arms) with a 5 to 10mm layer of Neosporin. Put on the flippers and wet suit without disturbing the Neosporin coating. Attach the string to the trigger of the nuclear warhead carefully. Inflate the hot air balloon and put the warhead in the basket. Get in the basket with the warhead.
Navigate the balloon to an area above the body of water with a depth of at least 10 meters. Position yourself standing on the edge of the basket, trigger string in hand, with your back to the warhead.
Leap head-first in a diving position off of the side of the hot air balloon basket and into the water, letting the string detonate the warhead behind you. The explosion should leave slight radioactive burns on your back as you near the water, which will cease to do any more damage upon submergence. Swim underwater using the flippers for enhanced speed no less than 50 meters from ground zero of the explosion so as to avoid additional radioactive effects, and come up for air.
If this didn't work, I would not be writing this. For I accomplished this TWICE! Twice in one week no less. After my second successful attempt at this feat, I entered my '83 Chevy station wagon and returned to my oversized 19th century Victorian mansion. My roommate, a Japanese man in his 30's who doesn't speak English, was waiting for me when I arrived with a concerned look on his face. When he realized my burns were not life-threatening, he went back to his electric keyboard and continued to compose his electro-Yanni masterpiece.
I walked into my bedroom in a funny sort of stride that minimized pain from my back burns - the type of stride one might use had one had a potato chip inside one's ass and was trying not to break it. It worked for me. I used a pair of long steel scissors to remove the tattered remains of my backless wet suit, took a quick rinse-off shower, and put some powder on my back and in my crevices. I spent the rest of the day in a bathrobe sitting cross-legged on the arm of a couch listening to my roommate's music in the dark (the inside of the mansion was always dark).
Psychiatrists, please analyze this dream that I had two nights ago. I'm scared.
1. A nuclear warhead (real)
2. 2 meters of string that you will tie to the manual trigger of the warhead.
3. A hot air balloon, fully fueled.
4. A wet suit and flippers
5. Neosporin
Bring all of your materials to the banks of a body of water in a sparsely populated area of a communist Asian country with cold weather. I like China.
Coat the entire back of your body (head, back, legs, arms) with a 5 to 10mm layer of Neosporin. Put on the flippers and wet suit without disturbing the Neosporin coating. Attach the string to the trigger of the nuclear warhead carefully. Inflate the hot air balloon and put the warhead in the basket. Get in the basket with the warhead.
Navigate the balloon to an area above the body of water with a depth of at least 10 meters. Position yourself standing on the edge of the basket, trigger string in hand, with your back to the warhead.
Leap head-first in a diving position off of the side of the hot air balloon basket and into the water, letting the string detonate the warhead behind you. The explosion should leave slight radioactive burns on your back as you near the water, which will cease to do any more damage upon submergence. Swim underwater using the flippers for enhanced speed no less than 50 meters from ground zero of the explosion so as to avoid additional radioactive effects, and come up for air.
If this didn't work, I would not be writing this. For I accomplished this TWICE! Twice in one week no less. After my second successful attempt at this feat, I entered my '83 Chevy station wagon and returned to my oversized 19th century Victorian mansion. My roommate, a Japanese man in his 30's who doesn't speak English, was waiting for me when I arrived with a concerned look on his face. When he realized my burns were not life-threatening, he went back to his electric keyboard and continued to compose his electro-Yanni masterpiece.
I walked into my bedroom in a funny sort of stride that minimized pain from my back burns - the type of stride one might use had one had a potato chip inside one's ass and was trying not to break it. It worked for me. I used a pair of long steel scissors to remove the tattered remains of my backless wet suit, took a quick rinse-off shower, and put some powder on my back and in my crevices. I spent the rest of the day in a bathrobe sitting cross-legged on the arm of a couch listening to my roommate's music in the dark (the inside of the mansion was always dark).
Psychiatrists, please analyze this dream that I had two nights ago. I'm scared.
